You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
You Might Also Like
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I was just discussing this with my cat
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
thinking about a very short hotdog