if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*