Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..