I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You Might Also Like
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
This hospital has everything
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.