Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.