Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.