when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
You Might Also Like
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.