This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still