JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
You Might Also Like
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Succinctly put.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒