How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!