I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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OMG DAD WAT?
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.