being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.