They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
The three genders.
Stop sending me this shit.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
The struggle is real.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.