This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Venn
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Children of the corn 🌽
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.