It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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#titanic
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
saw this in a dream
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.