The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Jurassic park gets weird
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.