Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.