I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Every time.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.