I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
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everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
spicy snake
My boss called in sick of me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.