I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Jurassic park gets weird
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
This is my favorite one of these!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun