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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Don’t we all.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.