Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok