KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too