My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
How all things should be taught/explained.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.