Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Guantanamo Bae
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol