Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops