Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one