Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I love art.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.