I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Social distancing in Australia:
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.