Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.