You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now