If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.