Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication