“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog