Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.