My wedding will be open casket.
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?