*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
This woman is my idol. Free her.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.