FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Feel. He’s so soft.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I don’t know what to do
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.