Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
This guy gets it.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth