[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.