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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.