“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.