Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
😅😅😅
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
marvel comics have peaked
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them