[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
these two trucks have the same bed length
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
spicy snake
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment