If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.