So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
You Might Also Like
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
when revenge coincides with naptime
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.