nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.