Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
You Might Also Like
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.