It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You Might Also Like
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.