I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.